I Am Mark Hombrebueno

I just got home from watching the new Mission Impossible movie and all in all it was a pretty good flick- there was great action, some genuine laughs, a few super-rad-and-nerdgasm-inducing superspy tools and to top it off a dope cameo appearance by Josh Halloway aka Sawyer from Lost! (*spoiler alert* he dies literally two minutes into the movie, but that’s probably for the best- I can’t look at him on screen and not see Sawyer, just like Mark Paul Gosselar and Tiffani Theissen will always be Zack and Kelly regardless of how many (bad) new movies or TV shows they do). In any case, the one thing that struck me- and maybe the only real lasting impression I’ll take away from the experience was how weird it was to see Tom Cruise looking so much older. He might not have looked old-man-old, and he might not have even looked middle-aged-man old (which is impressive considering he’s probably in his early fifties). Nevertheless, he didn’t really look quite like Tom Cruise anymore- at least not to me. The signs of age were subtle, but they were very clear; His face looked a little bit shopworn, his features were less sharp and less defined, the wrinkles around his eyes were a bit more prominent and his posture was slightly awkward- like he was trying to look ripped as opposed to actually being ripped. Of course he was still busting up bad guys and jumping off of buildings and running (as always there was a lot of running), but for the first time ever I felt like I was watching something or someone different; Like if I substituted this Tom Cruise into Top Gun, or Jerry Maguire, or even the last Mission Impossible movie, I’d be changing the dynamic of the film because I’d be replacing “Tom Cruise” with older Tom Cruise. And this made me kinda sad. Not sad for Tom Cruise, of course; He’s made a lot of money doing something he clearly loves and, despite his eccentricities, has aged more gracefully than most people might ever dream of. No, I felt sad for myself. Sad because of what an aging Tom Cruise and aging movie stars like Tom Cruise represent for me and, as an extension, my generation.

See, movie stars aren’t supposed to age before our eyes. Our society doesn’t allow it. And when they do, they’ve usually faded out of the public consciousness and far enough into obscurity that we don’t notice it until they turn up in US magazine. (Think about how shocking it was to see Matt Leblanc with grey hair for the first time). It’s an incredibly shallow fact of existence, but, we want our biggest stars to represent everything we want to be aesthetically- they’re glamorous, youthful and attractive. And when they stop being these things, Hollywood recognizes it and they usually fade away.

The reason, of course, is simple; We don’t want to be reminded of our mortality. Movie stars need to stay young, they need to stay beautiful, and they need to stay attractive because we don’t want them reminding us that we’re aging along with them while we’re trying to enjoy a movie on a Friday night. We watch movies, in part, to escape the realities of life, and one of these realities is that we will get older, we will get greyer, and eventually we will fade away like so many movie stars. Like I said, the implications of this film made me a little sad.

But then I thought about it a little bit harder. And I thought about the context of it all. Here was this dude that was older, who’s star was bright but undoubtedly on the decline, and yet he was still doing exactly what he loved to do. Certainly there will come a time when we won’t be able to suspend reality and watch this guy beat up an assassin, seduce an attractive woman, or jump out of an airplane (Think Harrison Ford in the most recent Indiana Jones), but while he can still pull it off he’s doing and presumably will continue to do exactly what he loves. And that is inspiring. Thinking about this reminded me that there’s no point in worrying over things we can’t control. Aging, greying, fading looks and fading abilities are an inescapable part of life. Our reaction to these eventualities, however, are ultimately what define us and give us grace. It’s certain that life is short; and it’s certain that we will all age; and it’s certain that eventually we will all pass on when the time comes. What’s not certain however, is what we choose to do between now and then. That’s up to us. And if Tom Cruise can keep pumping out pretty solid Mission Impossible movies, then maybe we can find a way to do what we love until we fade away too.

#2.  How Little Known, Straight to VHS(!) Movies Can Somehow Articulate The Meaning of Life

When my sister and I were growing up one of our favourite videos to watch at home was the not-so-dramatic comedy “Renaissance Man”.   I’m pretty sure we bought it in one of those 5 dollar bargain bins at Blockbuster Video.  The movie starred a post Junior Danny DeVito as a slightly bitter, disgruntled and recently laid off business professional who finds work and inspiration teaching Shakespeare to a group of not-so-bright  recruits at an army training base.   It wasn’t a very good film in the traditional sense and was only memorable  for three reasons:

1. The film debut of a young and still “Marky” Mark Wahlberg
2. An early appearance by Valerie Harper aka The hot girl in Kanye West’s “All Falls Down” music video
3. A surprisingly profound line stating that “As soon as a person is born… they begin to die”

Typically films like this don’t make any attempts at any kind of profundity.  At least not with any sort of originality.  Instead they tend to follow tried and trusted plot lines, offering simplified notions of love, friendship and morality and then serving up predictable  feel-good endings.  While some people think that this lack of innovation is something to be frowned upon, I believe that in some cases the uncompromising predictability of most films might actually be a good thing.

In today`s world people walk into most movies knowing more or less what to expect- and often times that’s what makes these films satisfying.   The familiarity reassures us.  The not-so-unexpected endings comfort us.  The idealistic thematic message tells us that good will triumph over evil and when the credits roll, the feel-good music tells us that everything’s going to be okay. For the most part these films leave us  with  a smile on our face and not very much to think about afterwards.  And for a lot of us that is the ultimate purpose of movies; Simple and untarnished escapism.  Of course there are works of film and fiction that strive for more:  teaching us, challenging us and inspiring us to rethink and reimagine our commonly held beliefs.  However,  the world`s capacity for making good AND thought provoking movies is extremely limited and for every Waking Life and The Matrix there are at least two Hangover movies, four Mission Impossibles and five (so far) Rocky  sequels that usually  get progressively shittier, and yet somehow manage to air non stop, late night on whatever they’re calling The Superstation nowadays.

I don’t think it’s a surprise that behind closed doors most of us would probably prefer to watch a Reese Witherspoon romantic comedy twice in a row than sit through six hours of Citizen Kane.  In fact, sometimes a predictable, light hearted and cliché story of love or friendship or perseverance, is exactly what we want to see.   Sometimes we need to be exposed to  obvious and idealistic depictions of the base concepts and beliefs that underlie the complications of real life.  When our romantic lives take a bad turn we need Jennifer Aniston, or Justin Timberlake(?!) movies to tell us that true love is just over the horizon.  When we doubt our own ability to persevere, we want Rocky or Rudy or Ron Burgandy to tell us that a little bit of heart goes a long way.  And when life has us down, it’s The Hangover’s and the Old School’s  of the world that remind us to smile through all the bullshit.

Which brings me back to Danny Devito’s Renaissance Man.   This movie probably had as many stereotypical elements as any other movie I’ve ever seen; A once disinterested educator who finds purpose in teaching a group of neglected students.  A group of neglected students who find inspiration and self confidence through their increasingly involved teacher.  A father reconnecting with his daughter and inspiring her to reach for her dreams, and more then one romance that blossoms under unlikely circumstances.  I know that some people might argue that the idealism of these kinds of films provides people with unrealistic expectations of how life and love really work in the world- but really, isn’t that the point?  Don’t we watch movies precisely because they depict the very ideals that we all continuously strive for in our lives?  And so what if these ideals aren’t  perfectly realistic and happily-ever-after-endings  don’t perfectly exist?  If a movie can inspire us to at least reach for something better in our lives than I think its served its purpose.  And at the very least it`d be worth the five bucks I might’ve spend at Blockbuster.

1. Cliches that actually mean something

It’s not what you said it’s how you said it. And it’s not what you did it’s how you did it. And it’s not so much where you went as it’s how you got there. It might sound cliche, but when it’s all said and done that’s all that really matters; the stuff in between. The things we learn. The attitudes we adopt. The roads we travel. And the people we choose to bring with us. Too often i find myself fixated on where I’ll end up that I forget to appreciate where I am, and how I’ve come to be there. And I think that a lot of people tend to do the same thing- reducing the meaning and purpose of their lives to the attainment of a simple set of words and ideas; Things like success, wealth, power, respect, happiness and even love- As if they were simply destinations on a lifelong roadmap. But if life were a book, it’s quality wouldn’t be defined by how impressive these individual words are but by the collective moments through which those words find meaning. And these words don’t find much meaning without the stories, experiences and people that are interwoven around them: the laughter and the tears, the stress and the sacrifices, the flirting and the phone calls. And even the failures. The times we’ve fallen. And the times our friends and family helped pick us off the ground and set us back on our way.

So many of the conditions of life remain out of our hands; Where we’re born. What we’re born with. The random breaks that occur every single day. But the things we can control- the attitudes we adopt, the people we love and the way we choose to treat those people- those are the things that will stay with us regardless of where we end up.

It’s easy to give up.  It’s easy to give in.  It’s easy to look in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds and feel discouraged.  And it’s easy to see the problems and the pains and the struggles that life throws your way and allow yourself to lose hope.  Life can be like a beautiful summer day- but sometimes we bask in the sun’s warmth without noticing the storm that’s brewing or the darkness that’s creeping over the horizon.  Suddenly we’re caught in the rain without an umbrella or left in the dark without a guiding light.

Life can be hard and it can be cruel, but that’s just the way the world works sometimes.    The feeling of despair- even if experienced for only the briefest of moments, can be like an eternity in the mind’s eye.   But instead of wandering alone in the darkness, reach out.  Grab hold of a friend.  Remember that you’re not alone even if it feels that way sometimes.  They say that the brightest light shines from within- but often times we need other people to help us see that light for ourselves. 

The scariest part of the  so-called quarter life crisis comes at the precise moment when a person stops asking “what am I going to be when I grow up?” and instead begins to say,  “oh my god I’m grown up what the $%^# am I doing?”    It’s a scary thought that leads to a whole bunch of other equally scary consequences.  Suddenly all of  the things that you’re doing in life just don’t measure up to expectations;  Your apartment is too small.  Your career isn’t where  you want it to be.  Your relationship (or lack thereof) isn’t what you expected and the people around you seem to have it all figured out (or at least they’re doing a better job of putting up a front).  Your conception of time also changes and you realize that the future isn’t some vague and distant world in which you’ve somehow managed to sort out the troubles that currently plague you.  It is the here.  It is the now.  It is your life and you’re already living in it. 

The expectations of today’s world mean that the things we’re all ‘expected to do’ get pushed back a few years; school,  a career, marriage, kids, owning a house and supporting a family- all of the stereotypical benchmarks for success- these things aren’t happening quite as early as they used to.  The people who I can relate to are mostly on the cusp- just beginning to create the lives that they’ll live  throughout ‘adulthood’.  It might be the case that I’ve spent my life surrounding myself with chronic procrastinators, time wasters and degenerates (likely).  What’s more probable, however, is that a lot of us have spent our lives with these vague, stereotypical and often superficial benchmarks for success so finely ingrained in our minds that we’ve been unable to liberate ourselves from the chain of expectations and figure out what we want for ourselves.  We fail to ask ourselves what we need outside the context of what we ‘should’ be doing and where we ‘should’ be.   We want a ‘good job’, but we aren’t sure where our interests lie professionally.  We want ‘great relationships’, but we aren’t sure what we want or need in a partner.  We want to be ‘rich’, but we’re not sure what our values are.  And we all want to be successful, but we’re not even sure what that means in and of itself. 

For a long time I’ve been telling myself that I want to find success without working out what my own definition of success actually  constitutes.  And I think it takes a little bit of bravery to step outside of the safety and familiarity of common expectations and figure out what you want in life.   What would make you happy.  What you would do if you could…. And right now all I know is that I don’t know.  I’m not sure what the next step is- at least not entirely.    It’s a weird place to be- standing at the crossroads between who you are and who you want to be.  It’s as if I’m teetering on the edge of everything that my life has been so far and staring out into a deep, dark chasm of unknown possibilities.  And while that’s an exciting thought, it also legitimately  scares me because there’s nothing scarier than what we don’t know.  But I figure that  at some point you have to step off of that ledge and try something new- take a chance and leap into the unknown before the things that you do know begin to crumble around you.  Einstein said that there are two ways to live, the first is as if nothing is a miracle, and the second is as if everything is a miracle.  If that’s the case, then maybe the quarter life crisis isn’t a crisis at all- maybe it’s an opportunity to leap willingly into the chasm of the unknown-  believing that we’ll somehow find our wings there.

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn’t know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren’t so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Anyone who knows me knows that I love going for runs late at night when most people have already gone to bed.  The sidewalks are empty.  The streets are peaceful.  And, for me personally,  I think that our city, the water, the buildings and especially the lights in the night sky are one of the most gorgeous things a person can experience.  It was on a picturesque night such as this that I found myself jogging across a small dock in Coal Harbor while one of my favorite songs began blasting in my earphones:  All of the lights by Kanye West.  It’s a song that I love.  It’s a song that I love to dance to.  It’s a song that I soon caught myself dancing to whilst jogging by the water late that night.  And, consequently, it’s a song that I abruptly stopped dancing to after realizing that there were actually people watching me from the opposite side of the apparently not-so-empty dock that I was dancing across. 

Every so often there are moments when the perfect song begins to play at exactly the right time.  It happens a lot in the movies, but every once in a while it happens in real life too.  And on that night, as I stood over the water with the evening sky reflecting the bright lights of downtown Vancouver, and the dark water reflecting the lights of night sky, that song came on at exactly the right time- so I started dancing to it.  Spinning and dipping and strutting my way over the water and across the dock I honestly couldn’t have felt any happier than I did in those few glorious moments of uninhibited and unrestrained freedom.  It was actually more of a half strut half dance than anything else- but that’s neither here nor there.  In any case, when I looked up and realized that there actually were people actually watching me dance I froze up.  I stopped what I was doing.  I hesitated and, to be honest, just walked straight by them without saying a word- continuing my run like nothing had happened.  I was laughing pretty hard for a few minutes afterwards of course but in retrospect I was definitely a little bit embarrassed. 

But why?  Why was I embarrassed about something that I completely enjoyed?  Why did I trouble myself about something that in retrospect probably made a few strangers laugh too?  Why worry about what other people thought?  We’re often told that we should dance like nobody is watching us.  And after that night, I realized that it’s a lot easier to do that when there is in fact nobody watching us.  However, after having done it both ways, I’ve got to say… I wish that when I saw those people, that I would have had it in me to keep dancing anyway.  And so next time, when the perfect song comes on at exactly the right time, I think I might do just that.